NoFap is a Psyop to Make You Hate Your Penis and Balls
I am a normal man that loves jacking off.
It’s not like I’m beating my shit into submission five times a day, but it’s a therapeutic device that I’m thankful for. It regulates my hormones or something, fixes my usual bad mood for a short period of time.
My preferred schedule places it as a before-bed treat to help lull me to sleep - and yes, I’ve been sleeping excellently.
As this book is focused around things on the internet that might improve your life as a man, I decided to do a six-week test of not jacking off to see if resisting the temptation to pound one out will make me a better person.
I am familiar enough with the NoFap movement, despite not being a Reddit guy. I feel like enough of the rightwing body builders are anti-porn to where you can’t avoid it. It’s another one of those talking points that emerges when there’s nothing else to say.
The idea is that you should maintain your sanctity in order to clear your mind. Pure thoughts, etc. Sure, I can understand the appeal in that. Closer to God, yes.
I’d probably be a millionaire if I wasn’t constantly thinking about getting my dick sucked.
I clear my browser history and declare to be all in on never jacking off again.
I’m immediately discouraged by how funny I find the fact that there is an official NoFap organization designed to teach an average man to overcome the desire to see a woman naked on the internet - and that average men like that thought.
I download a copy of their book, ‘Getting Started with NoFap,’ which has the excellent subheader ‘How to Use the NoFap Platform to Reach your Goals.’ It’s hard to not immediately read this as the worst cornball scam imaginable, nevertheless I remain focused on my goal.
I’m traditionally a big fan of the ‘underpromise, overdeliver’ model, but it’s too early in this project to be so negative.
I search on Amazon to see how much this book costs but it’s only available on their official website. Shame. Lucky for me, there are many other books on the topic of not jacking off, each with sensational titles such as ‘the Semen Retention Miracle’ and ‘the Way of the Shaft.’
The way of the shaft. God, that’s so fucking funny.
The official NoFap guide is free, but you need to join an ‘accountability group’ which varies in price from $25 to $150 monthly. A reasonable price to achieve your dream of never jacking it again.
The NoFap book is filled with illustrations of rocket ships which further infantilizes the idea of a man being told not to jack off. It refers to NoFap users as ‘Fapstronauts’ and people take this seriously. It describes a popular anti-masturbation technique where you snap an elastic band on your wrist, but suggests you avoid it if you struggle with self-harm. It informs you that you can ease blue balls with an ice pack. This book is loaded with incredibly considerate information across its 44 page if you’re willing to ignore the fact that it looks like a Sunday school powerpoint of the evils of pornography.
It’s too bad it’s not illustrated like a Chick Tract.
I keep repeating ‘the Semen Retention Miracle’ in my head, so I have no choice but to read that book too. Not cumming is a miracle, I laugh to myself.
In the first ten pages it quotes the 12th century Yogasastra treatise twice, stating “the falling of semen brings death.”
Absolutely, couldn’t agree more. Cum and you will die. Lifeforce, metaphor, etc. I’m loving it.
Very important lesson here, folks.
It goes on to list the important people in history that practice semen retention, such as Mike Tyson, Steve Jobs, Leo Tolstoy, and Kanye West. What an illustrious cast of characters that definitely don’t fuck for pleasure or jack off for sport.
You’re telling me Tolstoy didn’t crank it. Ok. For sure.
I’m reading this book on a sunny day on my lovely patio. I’m listening to anonymous post-rock and drinking echinacea tea - yet i’m furious because the book i’m reading is so fucking stupid.
It goes on to claim that semen retention deepens your voice, increases your memory, and makes you a risk taker.
I google the ‘deeper voice’ benefit and only find it cited on blogs that cite this book as a source. Small studies indicate that abstaining from ejaculation may increase testosterone levels if you already have low testosterone - which I do not.
Most research seems to indicate that the benefits of semen retention are psychosomatic at best, but - again - i’m still curious. I have to see for myself.
I am on day ten of retention and I have yet to obtain my promised joys. I feel like a suicide bomber going to hell instead of getting 72 virgins. I’m angry from how stupid this is, not from abstinence.
Back to the books.
Chapter six, How Semen Retention Makes You More Successful, once again restates the same benefits that await you once you resist the temptation to treat your body like an amusement park. It promises “thicker hair, better skin, brighter eyes, bigger muscles, more facial hair, and a better functioning brain.”
It then goes on to detail how Winston Churchill defeated Hitler by – you guessed it – practicing semen retention.
At this point, it doesn’t matter how much of this is true.
This book is filled with anecdotal claims of success beyond your wildest dreams, as though you are being held hostage by your penis and balls. If that should be the genuine case for you, then perhaps you have bigger problems than simply jacking off.
Unshockingly, the author goes on to talk about the NoFap foundation and how it helps its clients reach their goals of a life unburdened by release. This glowing review of their program reads more like a sponsored ad, leading me to believe that this is an inside job,
I try to do a little research on the author, Joseph H. Peterson, but he either shares the name with a more famous author or he doesn’t really exist. A Joseph H. Peterson also edits books on magic, including a popular edit of The Lesser Key of Solomon and I am very much hoping it’s the same man. I could see a guy working on a grimoire of evil spirits that hates his body and himself.
Enough about my hatred for this cult of suppression – let’s talk about what I experienced during my 30 days of not jacking it.
Nothing. Nothing happened.
My life was the exact same except I just didn’t cum by my own will. I didn’t really think about jacking it after the first week – if anything, I would say my testosterone felt much lower. Maybe that has to do with a lack of ‘blood flow.’ I wouldn’t say that productivity increased but I never interrupt a meeting to crank one off in the washroom, anyways.
I felt meek. I felt like a pussy. Too weak to be trusted with my own dick.
I felt like even if I wanted my dick to work, it was suddenly broken for life – a ‘if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it’ situation.
Perhaps you need to be a certified deviant to reap the benefits of a life without masturbating. Maybe you need to be jacking off five hours a day - a ‘gooner,’ perhaps. Maybe this protocol is best set for someone that is lost, aimless and needs a lifejacket.
I did not perform better at the gym. I did not get more work done. I did not excel in anything.
No deeper voice, no brighter eyes.
I somehow felt like more of a pervert, walking around all day with a loaded weapon. I definitely felt like a beta.
As my thirty days of self-imposed chastity elapsed, I decided to try the illustrious ‘orgasm without ejaculation’ as detailed in chapter eight of the Miracle.
The secret? Do kegels and pause beating off. It’s more of a spiritual orgasm, it says.
I put on an Ava Taylor compilation and immediately fail the mission, busting in a dramatic fashion despite clenching my ass tight enough to crush a coconut.
A spiritual experience, for sure.